5 ways to forgive

I’ve always had problems with forgiveness. I like to hold grudges until the grudges themselves have died from old age. Yet, health experts tell me that my grudges only hurt me by shortening my life span. During the past year, I’ve been working a lot on forgiveness. Here is what I’ve learned.

Tell the person about your grudge.

One day, I wrote down every single bad memory I could recall about my marriage. Then I confronted Mr. Strong and Silent about every single memory and asked him to acknowledge his wrong doing and apologize. In the process, I learned why he did and did not behave in a certain way, and I also learned that a good portion of the time, he didn’t even know he’d wronged me in the first place. Later on, I did the same with my mom. I told her that I resented that she’d never been proud of me, that she’d wanted me to make different choices in life. I was surprised to learn that she’d always been proud of me. She’d just forgotten to tell me.

Send that person love.

Try a lovingkindness meditation. Sit or lie comfortably. Close your eyes. Relax. Then bring the image of yourself to your mind. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Send yourself your lovingkindness and wish yourself well. Then do the same for someone you feel a strong love for, such as a child or your spouse. Then do it for a neutral acquaintance, perhaps your hairdresser. Then do it for the person you despise. It will be difficult. You might think of this person and automatically tense up in anger. If so, stop thinking about him or her, relax, and then try again. Eventually, you’ll find that you can release this grudge.

Remind yourself that you are the better person.

Most difficult people are living in their own personally created hells. You don’t need to do anything to get even. They are already doing themselves in. I’ve also found that Karma often strikes back if you wait long enough to watch it happen. That incompetent boss of yours will eventually get fired. The womanizer eventually catches an STD. Your X will marry someone who makes his or her life a living hell.

Let it go.

Some people are not worth confronting or forgiving. They are not willing to admit they are wrong, for instance, or the act they committed (such as a rape) is unforgiveable. In that case, remind yourself that you are allowing this person to win, yet again, if you hold your grudge. Again, you don’t have to forgive, but you can try to forget.

Prove them wrong.

Use your grudge to fuel your self betterment. I once had a teacher who told me I couldn’t write. Did I spend the rest of my life plotting her death? No, I spent it proving her wrong.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide. Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.